A little humour – May 2020
I was on a long line at 7.45am today at Woolies as it opened at 8am for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said: “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there.”
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. He was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say he had no children, because as an officer of the court he couldn’t lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their 12 kids.
He took the remaining kid with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked: “How many children do you have?”
He answered: “Twelve.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others?”
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
(MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don’t forget, most politicians are lawyers….)
Iso jokes
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem. (I think we both know who’s in the second half, don’t we?)
I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven’t decided where to go for holidays – the living room or the bedroom
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Home-schooling is going well: two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life and The World’s Biggest Loser just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of home-schooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
Sounding concerned, I replied, “No…”
She responded, “How about now?”
One from the archives
A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be Good Samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, “Here’s your husband!”
The man’s wife says, “Where the heck is his wheelchair?”
Murphy is staggering home from the pub late one night with a flask of Scotch in his hip pocket. He slips over on the rain sodden footpath, falling on his backside and breaking the bottle. As he staggers to his feet and feels the Scotch trickling down his leg, he looks up to the heavens and say, ‘Oh God, please tell me that’s blood!’
One for Mother’s Day
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time….
“Class,” he said, “my name begins with the letter ‘M,’ and I pick up things….What am I?”
A little boy on the front row said, “You’re a mother.”
Not for Mother’s Day
A husband and wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Oh no, I look like a pig!”
The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”
Policeman: I’m very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake. After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”
“What?”
“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.
“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”
