Just went to IGA, saw a guy whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish bastard, gave him the low down about the elderly and mums, etc., who need these types of things. Told him he should be f€cking ashamed of himself!
He said: “That’s all well and good mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.”
A teenager comes downstairs to go on a date with a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!” And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die! She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that is just not appropriate…
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”
My niece asked what was for dinner and I told her “scraps”.
She started crying. Spoilt brat, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Richard Grenell briefed the President this morning. He told Trump that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone’s amazement, all of the colour ran from Trump’s face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked Grenell, “Just exactly how many is a brazillian.”
Two young men from Glasgow, named Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“It’s all going like magic,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already – the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night..”
Archie nods approvingly.
“Man, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
“Oh,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll be in white.”
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! Walks away
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she is always running away from the ball.
My sister bet me $10 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
My friend David lost his ID
So now I call him Dav.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
Yesterday I ate a clock.
It was very time consuming ..
Especially when I went back for seconds…
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn’t find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.
Husband 2: Wow, that’s great. Is it for drinking or bathing?
Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all.” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
After an Australian Beer Festival, all the brewery bosses decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Fosters sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Fosters.”
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from VB says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me a VB!”
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coopers says, “I’d like the best beer, give me a Coopers.” He gets it.
The guy from XXXX sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a XXXX?”
The XXXX president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
A man lying in a hospital bed, with an oxygen mask over his mouth calls the nurse and asks, “Are my testicles black?”
The nurse is flustered and replies, “Just a moment I will get a male nurse to assist you.”
A male nurse enters and asks, “What’s the problem sir?” the patient repeats, “Are my testicles black?”
The male nurse rips the covers back and proceeds to cup the patients testicles in the palm of his hand…”As you can see sir they are pink and healthy.”
The man rips off his oxygen mask and says….
“ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?”
A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up the the counter and says,
“Hi…you know…I just HATE drawing the dole, I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just have a job opening for a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided with a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshitting me!”
The Centrelink worker says, “Yeah, well…you started it.”
People must not cough near you, they must cough far away.
If you hear someone coughing, tell them to …..far cough.